Flick it When You're Done.

When the glowing ember gets too close,

the body moves naturally,

to the rhythm,

of a memory,

of a thousand previous encounters.

And away it will go,

a million feet into the air,
a friend and a foe,

as thousands before it,

when it has nothing left to give.

Another box still on the table,

and another fool born every minute.

By Azhar ZA. 
12th Feb 2010.

_______________________________________________________________

Assalamualaikum,


This was a poem(?) I wrote in my old blog. I think it's fairly obvious to most what it's about, but to me back when I wrote it, it was a double entendre (it still is, but it was too). My mum says I should write more often, polish my writing skills so that someday when I'm bored of being a doctor, I can stay at home and write a newspaper column, be a journalist or translate books, anything that has to do with language skills.

I'm still thinking about it.

_______________________________________________________________

And when I see you,

I really see you upside down,

But my brain knows better.

It picks you up and turns you around,

Turns you around, turns you around.

I need to stop. I have to.

A Few Complaints.

Assalamualaikum.

I have nothing to write about. I'm just bored and unable to fall asleep. So I guess I'll have a go at ranting.

____________________________________________________

Questions bother me because I'm afraid of my own answers. I have a complicated past. Questions only serve to remind me of it. So much that I've taught myself how to pretend I believe my own made-up truths. The only comfort I have is that the past stay where they are and I can move away from it.

____________________________________________________

I have an achilles' heel  for classes at 8 AM. Not that I can't wake up on time, I just like spending 7 AM till 8 AM in bed, under my warm blanket, especially in this cold winter weather. I demand morning classes be moved back into the 9 AM slot.

Or on some days, this just happens.

____________________________________________________

Whatever shit you people have to deal with, deal with it yourselves. I am sick and tired of it.

____________________________________________________

I need a planner. Or a fixed but flexible daily schedule. I feel like I'm all over the everywhere. I need to get organized and disciplined. Yeah right.

____________________________________________________

(Layan please)

Something's missing,

And I don't know how to fix it.

Something's missing,

And I don't know what it is.

At all.

Tido la lanat.

Inconsistency.

Assalamualaikum,

I haven't been able to get my lazy ass back to posting regularly (not that I've actually ever posted regularly for almost 3 years). Still a lot of things going on here in Egypt, political instability, demonstrations and protests all starting all over again. I have nothing against them for it, just that I think they should tone it down a bit, or at least make their minds up on what kind of vibe they want to give out.. On some days their demos look like a family day picnic, on other days, total war.

Seriously, where is this dude?

Plus my own personal demons. I wouldn't really call it personal since it involves other people and doesn't really carry any personal bearings to it, just that I choose to keep it to myself rather than have an all out public rant (a.k.a bitch-fit) at everyone involved.

Yes, I mad bro.

But apart from all that, I would say everything's been good. Recent exams went well despite lack of any consistent studying. Just last minute, desperate, eye-gouging sessions of pure pain and self-loathing.
___________________________________________________

I miss Hannim. Meow is cute but he's no human baby.

Baby.

Cat.

Baby please.
___________________________________________________

Maybe it's time? It's been a year already.

I'll ask mama and maybe let her decide.
___________________________________________________

Again, I am at that time of the year where I find myself out of things to do. Searching, again, for something that I can really take up and enjoy doing on a daily basis. Maybe I should wake up at nights more frequently and ask Him then? I'll try that.
___________________________________________________

"Even if you don't think you're a good person, that shouldn't stop you from trying to be one"
- Anonymous
___________________________________________________

(Homai! Zooey Deschanel!)

This is me standing in the arch of the door,

Hating that look that's on your face 

that says there's another fool like me,

There's one born every minute, there's one born every minute.

Cuti-cuti Ejip :D

Coming Up For Air

Assalamualaikum,

I've been busy, I've been sick, I've been procrastinating.

I'm in my 4th year of medical school.

I'm not entirely happy but I'm smiling.

And that's good enough for me.

This makes me smile. 

Screen falling off the door, door hanging off the hinges,

My feet are still sore, my back is on the fringes,

We tore up the walls, we slept on couches,

We lifted this house, we lifted this house.

We got no money, but we got heart :)

Just Waiting.

Assalamualaikum,

This song makes me dance along in my head and damn, this brotha' can dance! The songs itself is awesome and has been elevated to ringtone status.

Going back to Terengganu on Thursday probably. Not that I've been doing anything much here anyway. I just go through each day as it comes. Decisions are made on the spot, so I'll sometimes suddenly find myself shopping (or window shopping) at Subang Parade at 2PM even though I just woke up half an hour earlier. That's just how I roll.

Most Subang people no longer live in Subang. And that sucks.

Ramadhan is in its home straight, so lets all just spend what's left of it productively in the spiritual aspect. It'll be another year before it comes around again and we never know if this is our last. Make it a memorable one. 

I'm a lonely boy,

I got a love that keeps me waiting.

I'm out.

Home Again.

Assalamualaikum,

I'm back in Malaysia.

Doha was awesome. 8 hour transit made more bearable by my uncle, who took me and my housemate out for dinner/sahur and gave us a tour of Doha. He showed us all the cool looking buildings and scenic areas around Doha's many areas. The coolest thought about it all is that most of the areas were still under construction so there'll be a lot more beautiful, unique looking buildings going up in those places. I'll have to make another visit in a year or two.

I touched down at 9PM and I may have witnessed a few #badluckmalaysian moments in our connecting flight to Malaysia, as well as in KLIA, courtesy of my housemate experiencing a few unlucky situations. The first was the person seated next to him in our connecting flight was this obese woman who took up all the arm space made life and sleeping on the flight difficult for him, as well as her poor choice of attire which forced him to look in the opposite direction, out the window for the whole flight. That and also his malfunctioning on-flight headphones that made static noises when in use, so there was no watching movies or anything on the tv screen for him.

Once we got off the plane (and after I was done laughing at his bad luck), we made our way to the immigration check where, as most Malaysian know, anyone with a Malaysian passport will have the sweetest time going through the easy and simple DIY passport-check machine. We finally get there and only one was working instead of the usual 3, so we had to queue up (unheard of ever in my experience). After I went in and had my passport checked, it was his turn. As he was putting his passport in and having his thumbprint checked, wouldn't you know it, the machine turned off. He was almost done and the machines there just switched off and it affected all the computers and machines along the whole counter area. So there he was, in the middle of the machine, looking confused and pissed, not able to get out of the check area. Super bad luck Malaysian. In the end he had to queue up at a manual counter line. And only after we collected our luggage did he stop getting any more of those moments (citation needed). And that was that.

And on the way back home I had 3 roti canais and I felt awesome afterwards. That's all.

_____________________________________


Back home in a sound mental, emotional and physical state, I plan to keep myself busy and happy these next few months and no man, woman or child can stop that from happening. So with that in mind, I may or may not be making any new posts in the next 2 months. And I may or may not be easily available.

I've got a lot of things to do this time around and I plan on doing them all.

Till next time.

And I choose to see the life I live,

It's one of triumph and of joy that gives,

Made of something to hold onto as I'm falling through myself,

To the part of me that held you on the darkest shelf inside me.

Wohooooo!!

You Make My Dreams Dance In The Dark, So Please Stay Here.

Assalamualaikum,

Just wanted to share the three songs that have been on repeat on every single music playing device I own for the past few days. Yes, I'm THAT bored. Give all three a listen.

Oh girl I don't know all the reasons why,
I found the answer looking in your eye,
I go out walking all day long,
Take away this lonely man soon he will be gone.

Press play :)

Day 10.

Assalamualaikum, 

It's been 10 days since Ramadhan started, well it's the 10th day of fasting here in Egypt at least, since we started a day earlier than most of the world. I'll be fasting an extra day this year (31 days) since I'll be going back to Malaysia in a week and since they started a day later than here, they'll end it a day later as well.

Personally, for this year's first 9 days Ramadhan I've been very off, lethargic and unproductive. Compared to last year, I've hardly gotten anything going. This is of course from the 'ibadah and 'amal point of views. I'm too lazy to explain in detail. Lets just settle with I'm not happy with how I've been spending my time these past few days. Hopefully the rest of the month (starting today) won't be so dire and dull.
_________________________________________

I've started with work outs and guitar again.

I haven't continued reading Orhan Pamuk's My Name is Red yet.


That's all.
_________________________________________

I was reminded of the smell of a real hospital this week. The smell of sterilizing agents and medicine circulating in air conditioned rooms and hallways. The story was; I went to the ER to accompany a friend who's been having chronic stomach problems. Also the first visit in quite a while for non-academic purposes.
_________________________________________

I honestly need new things to do in my life. I've had to force myself to jump out of bed and search for, or think of things to do far too many times recently. Something interesting or something that can get me going for more than 20 minutes. I lose interest in too many things after 20 minutes of doing it; movies, books, games. Only music can keep my interest as long as the lyrics doesn't start touching any sensitive subjects.
_________________________________________

And while we're on the subject of music, the current artist I'm dipping my toes into are She & Him, who has Zooey Deschanel on lead vocals. They're good, but in an alternative, pop & folky kind of way.

And speaking of Zooey Deschanel, I've been having a marathon (a very slow moving and ending one) of her movies. I have a system of how I chose to watch the movies I do but I'll explain that in another post (hopefully).


In every movie she's been in, she's been cast as a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, aka indie girls with bangs and commitment issues that eventually allow their leading men to realize their real-life dreams. EVERY SINGLE MOVIE! Okay, maybe not so much a MPDG in 'Our Idiot Brother' but from 'Hitchhikers Guide' all the way till '500 Days of Summer'(which I think is a movie dedication to her MPDG) as well as her current New Girl series, she's this childlike, awkward, clumsy, goofy girl who just hasn't got a grip on real life but still manages to look adorable while at it. 


I'm really quite off with my words so I'll just let this article explain (Also, I'm feeling lazy).

Why don't you sit right down and stay a while?

We like the same things and I like your style,

It's not a secret, why do you keep it?

I'm just sitting on the shelf.

Bored again :/

Freedom.

FREEEEEEEDDDOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

What a way to live,

Back of your class,

The end of the line,

You're always last.

HO YEEAAAAAAAHH!!!!

No Pictures, Please.

Assalamualaikum,


Something recently came to my attention when a good friend of mine pointed it out. Somehow, I look very "Indian" in most photographs that I am in. So let me just clear the air and say that I have no Indian blood nor are there any Indians in my family tree (as far as I know).

I dislike being photographed because I'll never look good in any of them. Shots intended for me will always end up badly. And the occasional shot with me in the background will end up looking good, but yeah, I'm just in the background.


I just have rotten luck when it comes being photographed.

And the rangers stream out of their cabins,

They are the hunters,

We are the rabbits,

Maybe we don't want to be found,

Maybe we don't want to be found.

Penat, but need to study.

Things Have Changed

Assalamualaikum,


Things HAVE changed. What I'm specifically talking about is how a lot of people have stopped writing. Apart from the usual 3 people who still do, most of the bloggers who posted at least twice a week aren't at it anymore. I know for a fact that a few have stopped all together, while a few others moved to tumblr (for the fact that it's easier and simpler. All you have to do is post pictures, I think.)


It's sad that back in my first and second years here, I'd at least have a few blogs to read to pass my time. Nowadays, even one post it hard to come by.

Y U NO WRITE ANYMORE!?!?

As for me, I'm only starting to write again. I've been told by my mum to write at least once a week. She actually wants me to write a journal and maybe make a story out of it. Make a life documentary of a Malaysian student living in Egypt, something "Ketika Cinta Bertasbih"-esque. And when I'm done studying in Egypt, I'll look back at it and realize how much I'll miss that life. I think it's because she's experienced living life as a student overseas, having studied and lived in the States for a good 5 years but never got to writing about it as it was happening.

I don't know if any of this will ever be worth of being compiled in a book. Heck, I don't even plan on it. All I do is write like a 14 year old who's not content with life and rants nonsensically and at random about anything and everything he can get his thoughts on.

Damn it, writing about thoughts again. Must stop!

____________________________________________________

Okay then, last week. Had exams, ate a whole bunch of food.

Malaysian PB!

God damn, Munya, god damn.

Loser makan salad

FuddRuckers

Pizza Queen/King?

Watched Spiderman the reboot which was good in my honest opinion. They actually stuck to Spiderman's actual abilities in the comics where he fought with agility and used his webbings mostly instead of fist fights in the Toby Maguire trilogy. And also the quick, witty talking also stuck to the comics. And Emma Stone was hot. (Syrrul, bukan you, ok, bukan you)

The Amazing Emma Stone

And in other news, Egypt is in political dipshit. The Constitutional Court Judges a month ago announced the recent Parliamentary elections were unconstitutional and declared 1/3 of the results void, to which the Egyptians got pissed at and started protesting in Tahrir. That declaration was then overturned by President Morsy when he declared it was valid, to which the Court then overturned when they declared that President Morsy's declaration to be void, which pissed the Egyptians off, again, and they went to protesting in Tahrir, again. You get me?

This dude is back!

On a side note, my living room smells like something died there, a few weeks ago. I've searched high and low but can't find jack. It's annoying. That is all. 

A night in my mind,

I've got a plan,

I'm gonna find out just how boring I am,

And have a good time.

Solat, tido.

New Look

Assalamualaikum

I got bored with the old design, so I decided to change it. New blog title from Sherwood's song, which brings me back to my high school years. It's sad that they've disbanded though.

And just that I can pen these words tonight,

 Is proof enough for me,

That there is more than meets the eye. 

And this is my simple lullaby,

And to try and put to rest any loneliness inside.

Restarting everything. 

Home.

Assalamualaikum,

Home is where the heart is. But what if my heart feels no attachment to any particular place? What if I don't feel at home in Malaysia, I don't feel at home in Egypt.

I dread being anywhere at all at the moment. I dread having to think, having to be awake.

Everything is just a big mess right now.

Serenity is out of my grasp. I'm emotionally empty and spiritually void and I don't know how long this will go on. The thought of failure is embedded deep in my brain and I can't get it out. Too many thoughts, worrisome thoughts, in my head.

Home is where Allah decides for me to be. Where He will give me peace. Hopefully I'll find that place soon and get my life in order. Or truly get my life in order and He will lead me there. InsyaAllah.

Because they say home is where your heart is set in stone, 

Is where you go when you’re alone, 

Is where you go to rest your bones, 

It’s not just where you lay your head, 

It's not just where you make your bed.

Study la lanat.

The Missing Chunk of June.

Salam again.

Just took a look at my blog and realised a huge chunk of June is missing. Having my finals now so not really thinking about updating anything.

I feel let down by myself for not being able to remember much of the past 2 weeks apart from having sleepless nights and sleep deprived days. And those sleepless nights usually having lots of caffeine running through my veins.

But I'm having fun though, cooking and being cooked for, sports and jogging in the evenings, watching football games at night and having long exhausting sessions with medical books.

My messy study table as of right now.

Past year papers for tomorrow's subject, Histology.

____________________________________________________

Bukak BB pictures baru sedar, holy cow! Pergi bbq for batch program hari tu.

Tauke ayam Ammar Afi

Tauke ayam Fikri @ Kubang

Hodogs @ Garam Kuttas

Untuk malam OSCAR (One Step Closer To Allah and Rasulullah). Fun night. Caught up with a bunch of people, loads of food and a marriage announcement. But the main point of the night were the talks given. Asking ourselves again, who Allah and Rasulullah are and where they lie in our hearts. 

Tell me that you're alright, 

Yeah everything is alright. 

Oh please tell me that you're alright, 

Yeah everything is alright.

Back to the books.

Dosa

Assalamualaikum

22 tahun hidup, dosa dibahu menggunung,

yang lepas biar lepas, kisah silam tak nak diulang,

sakit memang sakit, tapi esok hari baru,

hidup terus hidup, hanya Allah yang tau,

dan bila Dia panggil, aku hanya boleh seru.

Rabbighfirli,

Warhamni,

Wajburnii,

Warfa'nii,

Warzuqnii,

Wahdinii,

Wa'Aafini,

Wa'fuannii,

My Lord, forgive me for my sins, love me, have mercy on me, raise me among your servants, grant me sustenance, give me guidance, bless me with good health and forgive me.

_________________________________________________________________

Getting healthy!

Futsal Intrabatch Champions!

Jogging with the neighbours.

Study time!

No Point Looking in Here.

Search for a particular person's name on google and you end up clicking on link to yasni.com. which then leads to an old blog entry of mine. which leads you to my new blog entries. such a wonderful chain of events.

Need.

I need to find time for a new post. I also need a new layout for this blog. And I need to clean this room. And I need to study. But what I will do right now, is sleep.

And it talks to me in tiptoes, 

And sings to me inside, 

It cries out in the darkest night, 

And breaks in morning light.

Heeeeeeeeee.

Now I Can't Stop.

Assalamualaikum.

And just like that, I can't help myself to another post. This is exactly what happens when I open the floodgates. All  I want to do is get my thoughts written down.

Had my first full workout this morning after 2 weeks. My break in Malaysia was spent stuffing myself full of food, now it's time to get all that out. As I'm writing, my hands are trembling from muscle fatigue and some bits and pieces just feel like dropping off my bones. But all in all, this is the best 375 pounds I've spent in ages on something I cannot eat.

Best investment I've made for the next 3 years

Now excuse me as I tremble my way across the hall to the toilet for my sunnah Friday morning shower.

The sun is coming up,

I've got a perfect view,

I've got the day planned out,

Even thought it through.

Wobbling, wobbling.....

Ikhlas.

Ikhlas dulu berkawan. Everything else is secondary. Remind yourself once a day and you'll be friends with the world.

Pasar Mansyiah.

Thishasbeendonesomanytimesalready

Assalamulaikum.

It's been a while since my last proper post. A lot has happened in the last 10 months. I prefer not writing much about it since much of it I'd rather forget.

For my recent few weeks, I went back to Malaysia for a good 2 weeks. I had to go back to get my mind off of things plus I had family to visit. Ate a lot in my time there. I never actually got hungry before the subsequent meal. A lot of upsides to my stay; food, company, my own room, food, family, cats, food, shopping for proper clothes, peaceful traffic, food.

Swensen's Iced Lemon Tea

Horlicks Mcflurry Crunch

Final Dinner

Fresh Kerapu Goreng Tepung

Cheese Tarts

And I met the sweetest little girl back home. First time meeting each other ever and she couldn't stop staring at me. Say hello to Hannim!

Hello, my name is Hannim

She stood still for once.

And also, my family's new cat. Very loud, very annoying, still loveable nonetheless.

Came right into the room and went straight into this position.

Merajuk tak ada orang bagi makan.

Plus I met an old online friend who I've been in touch with for the past 7 years without ever meeting. Had our first meeting over dinner on my first Monday back.

But on the downside, I missed quite a few things while I was back and I regularly got bored out of my mind at night with the jetlag and inability to sleep at normal hours. So I spent all those sleepless nights watching movies.

These two movies, I highly recommend.

So that was that. Best 2 weeks of my year so far. Haven't felt this great in a long time and I plan, hope, and pray for it to stay that way.

It's all you want, all you want, and you run,

but it won't change a thing

So it won't be long, won't be long, won't be long, long

Before you can make it sing

Having class in 2 hours. Back to life now.

Reset.

I've been told to start writing again by 6 separate people. I'm still thinking about it. A lot to say but no motivation to write. Maybe I'll give it a go in a few days time.

You got a fast car

I want a ticket to anywhere

Maybe we make a deal

Maybe together we can get somewhere

I officially start anew.